Don't Drink and Take Tests
by The One Ring Alchemist
Summary: When Reno isn't satisfied with test results, what does he do? Pressure Elena and Rude to help get a perfect score!
1. Pretty Degrading Results

Reno: What do you call that thing? oh disclaimer. Here it is. The One Ring Alchemist doesn't own me or my fellows the Turks, Shinra, anything to do with Final Fantasy VII, its logos, characters, and all that good stuff...zo to. And by the way, I'm the main character, as usual, in this charming story.

Elena: Yeah, of course. _Charming._ I call it: "Reno gets Chewed Out"

Reno: actually no... that's not what its about. And this is purely fictional. I've nothing to do with the fictional me in the story.

Elena: Yeah right. This was based off a true story the One Ring alchemist discovered.

Rude: Let's just start it, okay?

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Chapitre 1: Pretty Degrading Reults

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"Why did you answer 'yes' to number 5? And 6? And 18, 23, and 76? And how come your writing is sloppier than usual?"

Now he had done. He asked _the question._ I looked solemnly into his veiled eyes and sighed. "Rude," I said, "I took the test totally wasted."

His first response. "Oh." His second response. "On purpose?"

"NO, NOT ON PURPOSE! If I'd a known, I wouldn't have gotten stoned before coming, now would I?"

"Hmm…so you forgot. After all the times Tseng warned us of the test date."

"Yeah, yeah. So what? I didn't do too bad. And what's this test supposed to prove now, anyway?"

"Our status as Turks, Reno."

"Ohh….right. I knew that."

I suddenly got a great idea. Rude saw the look on my face and kind of grimaced; he'd seen the look before with my other _brilliant_ ideas, but I knew this one would be different.

"Why don't we try to change my test score? I know where the files are kept."

"Just a second ago you were pleased with your score."

"Well that was a second ago. Stick to the times, man. We gotta go get it changed."

"Good luck."

"You can't be serious. Of course you're coming with me." He gave me his famous blank stare, and if "…." were a word, that's what he said just then. I headed off in the direction of the super secret filing cabinets, certain he would follow. When I looked back because I couldn't hear his footsteps, I saw he had been hindered by a certain blonde _somebody_ that I just didn't want to see right now. Great…now Elena's involved.

"Rude, what are you doing talking to the enemy like that?" I asked when I had marched over to their spot of office space.

"Enemy? What're you talking about?" asked Elena. Rude shook his head.

"What have you told her? You spilled the whole story didn't you? You just couldn't keep it a secret that I was going to change my test scores. It was just too juicy to keep to yourself, huh, you big blabbermouth? Yeah, uh-huh-"

"RENO!" It appears Elena had been trying to stop me the entire time I was berating Rude. Oh no…

"I didn't tell her anything. You did. Just now. She just stopped me to ask…" began Rude.

"I asked him how his mother was doing. Don't get all huffed up about something he didn't do! That's not nice. But now I hear you're going to change your test score?" asked that little fruit.

I decided I'd made a fool of myself enough already. "I almost forgot. She's home from the hospital, right?"

"I asked you a question, Reno."

"And I asked Rude a question. Wait your turn."

"You can't change your test score. Speaking of the test, when I saw you that morning-"

"HOW IS SHE, RUDE?"

"She's fine," he replied meekly. Elena was fuming.

"Yesterday you were totally-"

"Stoned, I know, okay? That's why I have to change my test score."

"And just what were you doing right before the test?"

"I forgot about the test, Elena…" Okay, just leave me alone now.

"You have got to stop living the way you do. Half the time I can't even tell if you're sober."

"Who are you, my mother? I was at a party. Some guy in Sector 4 was throwing it: a friend of mine."

"You call a friend 'some guy'?"

"Whatever. You don't know him. We stayed up late and all that, and by time it was morning, I was lucky enough to remember the test. Boy was it hard."

"I'll bet. It's hard to think straight when your brain's soaked and destroyed by beer."

"Yeeah. Anyway, I'm going. If there's anything you want me to change on yours, let me know."

"I'm not a cheater."

Surprisingly though, she followed me all the way to the super secret room. I took notice of the lock; it needed a special key and probably a fingerprint or something. I slid my ID card through the slot but it wouldn't open. I look at Elena and she looked flustered.

"You really mean to do this? I mean, well, there are some things I'd like to change for my record…"

"I thought you got like a perfect score."

"Um well…"

"I'm not going to change three wrong answers out of a hundred."

"I missed more than that." Before I could answer, Rude was standing there and startled us both by saying, "Count me in."

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yeah, they are short chapters. READ AND REVIEW 


	2. Operation: Identity Card!

Once again, I don't own any Final Fantasy stuff at all: that includes names, places, logos, ideas, and stuff. I'm just a simple author who loves the series. Just wanted to give credit here to a morning radio show in my area for the taking-a-test-while-drunk idea. I think that was from the Morning After Show (don't ask me for the w-number). Either it was that one or the Fiasco Show; I can't keep them straight cause the people all sound the same: two men and a lady with a voice like she's been smoking too long.

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Chapter 2: Operation: Identity Card!

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We worked out a plan. Elena was going to distract him, Rude would keep watch, and I would swipe the card. It was perfect. However, our boss was more calculating than we could imagine.

All three of us were to go up to him and randomly sprout nonsense. After all, the card was in his pocket. I haven't practiced pick-pocketing in a while, but I'm confident my skills would come back in a flash.

Elena went first while we peered curiously around the wall corner. Yes, we found him somewhere other than his office: a lonely hallway.

"Hello, Tseng, sir! Good morning isn't it?"

"Hello Elena." If we messed this up, he'd be in such a rage we have never seen.

"Guess what? My brother's coming out this weekend."

"Oh, I didn't know you had a brother."

"Well, sort of. He's not really. He's more of a half-brother. Quite tall and quiet." This was Rude's cue. This was the way we were going to get at his jacket pocket. He walked up while looking down at his watch, pretending it was broken. The beauty of it was that he was walking with a cup of black coffee in the other hand. "Not seeing where he was going", Rude spattered the coffee all over the back of Tseng's jacket. Elena's surprise was part real and part forced; she didn't think he would actually do it. Tseng's face was priceless, and yes, I did shoot a quick picture with our tiny camera.

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see where I was going," went Rude's lines.

"Maybe it would help if you didn't wear sunglasses inside the building," said Tseng with the edge of anger. My turn now.

"Wow, what happened here? Oh, I see. Here boss, let me take your coat for you," I offered. He looked bemused at seeing all three of us surrounding him like chocobos to greens.

"I can manage, thank you."

"No really sir, allow me to wash it for you."

"Hmph…well, it's nice to see you sober once in a while." I saw Elena mouthing the word "burn." I remained quiet; you just gotta in certain situations, and when you haven't apologized for being drunk at a test and you're about to steal your boss' card from his jacket, you should stay quiet.

He shrugged it off and handed it to me. I said something along the lines of "thank you" and went off (not too fast 'cause that would be suspicious) in the direction of the bathrooms. When I was out of site, I quickly ran into the secret hallway and stood admiring my prize. My face quickly fell once I had checked and rechecked the pocket for our boss' ID. Where was the freakin' card? I looked all over to see if his uniform coat had any secret pockets mine didn't have, but it was all the same. No ID after all that trouble.

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short, because I like short. Next one tomorrow! READ AND REVIEW, s'il vous plaît!


	3. Treachery

I thought that every time you added a chapter, your story went back to the top. that's the reason i made this into chapters...to get more reviews. I crave attention. : (

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Chapitre 3: Treachery

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Before getting too disheartened, I realized it could only be in two more places: somewhere in that fortunately neatly-organized office of his or in his pants' pockets. Which one would you go after with the most ease and comfort from embarrassment? But who leaves their ID in their office when it's needed to go anywhere in the Shinra building? Yeah…now I'm in a pickle.

Elena and Rude came to the rendezvous point where I was and excitedly asked, "Did you get it?"

I just handed Rude the empty, coffee-stained jacket and shrugged. "Looks like we gotta get some more accidental coffee."

They looked at me funny. Elena said, "You mean…"

"Yeah. It's in his pants' pockets."

She got kind of red. "We can't spill coffee on his pants."

"Yes we _can._ It's just a matter of if we want to."

"But he wouldn't give those to you to wash," verified Rude.

"I know. There's only one other way. Elena, you're going to ask him for it for some stupid reason. Say something like," I made my voice high like hers, "'I wanted to compare mine to yours. They look different. Yours is pretty and mine is ugly.'"

"I don't sound like that," she growled.

"Yeah, you do. Anyway, you'll take it and throw it out the open door, which is where you, Rude, will be standing to catch it if she misses and also to block him from getting to me. I'm going to run back here and open this door. You probably should tell me what you want changed now because you might take all your time holding him back."

"What about after you're done? He's going to be really pissed at you, probably all of us. Let's just forget it, okay?" asked Elena.

"No, this is going to work, I swear. Afterwards, I'll say I had to bring that card to put in the bowl of the ashes of my dead sister because she always looked up to Tseng."

"Even though she didn't know him," added Rude.

"And never existed," added Elena.

"I'm working on it. Okay, break! Let's go get this over with so I can go home and feel good about how we all aced the test." They still had funny looks on their faces.

"You two can't squeal, okay? I'm doing you a favor by getting you a perfect score. Don't feel guilty. All this work of espionage should make you feel like you deserve a perfect score. Elena, don't feel guilty, because if you do, you're going to ruin us and everything will be over for us as Turks."

"Reno, you don't realize how selfish you are being."

"Don't you want a perfect score?"

"Not if I didn't properly earn it. You deserve your score for what you did. You knew the test was on that day and you went to that party wanting to get drunk so you could forget about it. I know you did."

"I'm not trying to-"

"What? Not trying to what?"

"Too late, you interrupted me and I won't tell you."

"Well, I'm not going to help you get that card, you slum-drunk."

"Fine, bitch, we don't need you. Come on Rude."

"Rude doesn't want to either. He kept saying that the whole time we were running over here."

"Rude is right in front of you. He can speak for himself. Go on; tell her what you want to do." Seems he was afraid of entering our fiery war.

"Um," he began, and then hesitated. "I really am fine with my score. I only missed-"

"Go load yourself into a cannon. I'm outta here."

Elena, despite her defense, condescended to worry about me. "You're still going through with it? I guess we have no choice." They both looked at each other solemnly and my spirits were lifted; they were coming after all!

That is, coming to take me away in shackles. Elena grabbed my wrists and Rude brought my arms behind my back. "OW that hurts! What the hell are you doing?" They tied up my wrists with a fiber that had appeared out of nowhere. I was bound tight and the coffee-smelling jacket put over my head. Kind of freaked me out, if you know what I mean.

They led me somewhere, and all the time I was formulating what the torture chamber would look like. Maybe some saws flying around, a few steam-rollers here and there, a guillotine, electric chairs, the occasional rabid dog… but it turned out I was led to Tseng's office.

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the ashes of the dead sister come from a fib my friend Karibbeanbloo made up, except hers was a real-life excuse and it was the ashes of a dead cat. hahahahaha... kari, i love you! 


	4. Every Trick in the Book

Now i'm sad. I didn't get reviews except two. thank you very much you two. Anyway, last chapter. I've already done the disclaimer twice so there.

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Chapter 4: Every Trick in the Book

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They had set me down in a chair facing the big man himself. Rude blocked the door while Elena stood by on call. Tseng looked at me tiredly and I noticed his ID card on the desk. It was like there was a halo of light around the perfect little rectangle.

"Reno," began Tseng. I felt like mocking him and his stupid Wutai accent. "When will you ever learn that anything you can do… I can do better? I know every trick in the book, whereas you're probably lucky to know 75 of it. I thought you had learned your lesson the last time you tried to cheat on a test. Are you listening to me?"

I had been looking around the room instead of looking at his scary face. I snapped my eyes back in place and nodded vigorously like a kid. He lowered his eyebrows in the act of getting sterner and I tried to shrink in my seat. Why were Elena and Rude here? How embarrassing to get chewed out with my subordinates watching me.

"I'm tired of you showing up to work half-conscience of the world around you. I have been reminding you all of that test for weeks, and that was your decision to flunk it purposefully."

"I really forgot, sir…"

"If you weren't under the influence so often, maybe your memory wouldn't be so bad. I knew you would try something stupid like this, so I warned those two to be on guard. Thank you, Rude and Elena, for your excellent work."

"Thank you, sir," they replied.

"Reno, you aren't getting off easily for this," returned Tseng.

"But I didn't actually do anything! All we did was plan it."

"You were going to force them against their will to alter their test scores in the records data. May I remind you that that is illegal?"

"But we never actually-"

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" He didn't actually say it that loud but to me it sure sounded like that. "I'm also upset at the fact that you poured coffee on my coat –NO, that was _your _doing, not Rude's. You made him do it. No, I don't care what you say. I also don't like the way you came in badly prepared for the test, and might I say horribly impaired? I hope you realize the gravity of my disappointment in you. You're my second-in-command, yet this is how you act? The example you set for your subordinates? I can't believe it."

My hands were still tied behind my back, but I could barely feel it through the guilt my conscience had worked up. What good is conscience anyway if all it ever does is make you feel guilty about stuff you really thought was fun? Being guilty is not my thing; it's not part of the reputation I manufactured, but it sure was breaking out right about now. I looked at Tseng as sincerely as I could and sought to make up some excuse like I always did but couldn't. The only thing that could work here was the truth, so I had to give it a shot. Next time, I'll remember the days more clearly when I go to a party. Maybe I'll try to stop drinking so much. And when I decide to cheat on a test again, I'll have that book of tricks memorized forwards and backwards.

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Vivre les Turcs! J'aime Reno beaucoup!!! 


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